Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Good Memories
Today I found some photos on our camera that I had taken the day before I miscarried Jonah.
20 weeks pregnant
A New Life
For the first twelve weeks, being pregnant didn't seem real, because it seems like such a gradual change at the beginning. But on December 23, 2012 we heard the heartbeat. It was around 150 beats per minute.
Of course, I knew I was pregnant from the first sign, but no matter how many times I had imagined being pregnant before, it was all so different. I had quite a few of the symptoms, but they were all pretty mild. The worst part was not being very hungry and not enjoying eating food much at all. I had some nausea in the evenings and mornings, but never threw up. I had to pee a lot and my heart would beat fast no matter what, but I was having a great time being pregnant. Once I got past the first trimester, the nausea stopped and I started enjoying food again. By the time I had my second appointment with my midwife at 16 weeks, I had gained one pound.
Yes, I had a midwife and was planning on a home birth. I just think birth is normal and usually does not need any interventions. Hospitals are definitely needed for complications. Our house is 2 blocks away from a hospital.
We had been talking about names, started our baby registries, and started planning our summer around having a baby. As I began to show a bit, we got some maternity clothes. My mom sent me a whole box. In January we decided to have a mid-pregnancy diagnostic ultrasound, and to find out the gender. It was scheduled for February 15, 2013, during a three day break from school because of parent/teacher conferences. We couldn't wait to find out whether we were having a boy or girl, and register for the little baby clothes.
I loved reading books about pregnancy and birth. I checked out every book in the library about that stuff and read it. I had an account on thebump.com and read all of their birth stories. I even read some online stories about when bad things have happened during homebirth. So, I was more worried about something going wrong during the birth or after than during the pregnancy. I knew that after the first trimester the chance of miscarriage drops down from 25% to about 5% of all pregnancies. Although I thought about what could happen, I didn't dwell on it. I trusted God to do what is right. He is just. I prayed for his will to be done. Although I was student teaching, I did not feel overly stressed. There were no complications; no high blood pressure, diabeties, or bleeding at all.
Five days before we would see our precious baby on an ultrasound, on February 11, 2013 when I woke up at 6:00 and went to the bathroom, I started bleeding a lot. The night before I had some slight cramping while I was sleeping, but hardly noticed. Right away I was scared, but not wanting to believe what was happening I started getting ready, hoping the bleeding would stop. I could tell it was not going to after having to go sit on the toilet several times. I went over and told Andrew who was still asleep that I was bleeding a lot. He got up and asked if we should call anyone, and we decided to call our midwife. She told us to go to the ER and get an ultrasound to see what was going on. As we were hurrying to go, I started having some painful cramps. One was very strong, and then I felt a pop as my water broke. I was relieved I didn't have pain anymore, but could not think about the gravity of what my water breaking meant. When we got to the ER, we were taken to a room, and then I was wheeled upstairs to labor and delievery. I told the nurse all my information, and I started having cramps again. I was hooked up to an IV and a monitor. They gave me an ultrasound and called the doctor in. The doctor seemed sad as she looked at our baby. Then she looked at me and said, "It looks like you are going to lose your baby. The heartbeat is in the 50s. At this point there is zero chance of survival outside the womb." She went on to tell me my options and what she recommended. I can hardly remember anything but the pain of my heart breaking and crying many tears. I was alone for a while after they did a second ultrasound later and saw that our dear baby's heart was only beating every once in a while. I had to stay at the hospital to deliever because my water had broken and there was a risk of infection. Andrew had gone to get himself some lunch quickly. While I was alone, the cramps became strong and painful again. I felt like I knew how to deal with the pain, but I just didn't want to. I didn't want to have my baby. This wasn't supposed to happen. Andrew returned around noon and Jonah David Coltrane was born at 12:14pm, soon after the doctor walked back into the room. It was an amazing experience to give birth, but I was at such a loss of what to do, say or feel. The doctor asked if I wanted to hold him right away, and I didn't know. There is no way of knowing what to expect. I am so thankful that they decided to hand him to me anyway, as she said it looks like it's a little boy. We were able to hold our baby most of the afternoon, as much as we wanted. That night was very hard to sleep through and the next morning we were able to hold him once again. I love the pictures we were able to take and the memories we have of the little time our son was on this earth. Thankfully the hospital was very supportive, my body healed well, and our friends and family sacrificed their time and energy to support Andrew and I. God has showed us his love and mercy through those of you who prayed, cooked, cleaned, and just shared words of encouragement. Thank you so much.
Now today, two weeks later, I am still grieving enlessly, but I have so much hope and peace that God has given me. He gives us strength to go back to school and student teaching. As I was putting away maternity clothes today, I thought about how much we have grown, especially closer to each other as a married couple. I would give anything to have Jonah back, but God is faithful.
Thanks for reading this story. If you have any questions about anything, feel free to ask. Don't worry about making me cry or bringing back painful memories, because that will only help me.
Mikala
Of course, I knew I was pregnant from the first sign, but no matter how many times I had imagined being pregnant before, it was all so different. I had quite a few of the symptoms, but they were all pretty mild. The worst part was not being very hungry and not enjoying eating food much at all. I had some nausea in the evenings and mornings, but never threw up. I had to pee a lot and my heart would beat fast no matter what, but I was having a great time being pregnant. Once I got past the first trimester, the nausea stopped and I started enjoying food again. By the time I had my second appointment with my midwife at 16 weeks, I had gained one pound.
Yes, I had a midwife and was planning on a home birth. I just think birth is normal and usually does not need any interventions. Hospitals are definitely needed for complications. Our house is 2 blocks away from a hospital.
We had been talking about names, started our baby registries, and started planning our summer around having a baby. As I began to show a bit, we got some maternity clothes. My mom sent me a whole box. In January we decided to have a mid-pregnancy diagnostic ultrasound, and to find out the gender. It was scheduled for February 15, 2013, during a three day break from school because of parent/teacher conferences. We couldn't wait to find out whether we were having a boy or girl, and register for the little baby clothes.
I loved reading books about pregnancy and birth. I checked out every book in the library about that stuff and read it. I had an account on thebump.com and read all of their birth stories. I even read some online stories about when bad things have happened during homebirth. So, I was more worried about something going wrong during the birth or after than during the pregnancy. I knew that after the first trimester the chance of miscarriage drops down from 25% to about 5% of all pregnancies. Although I thought about what could happen, I didn't dwell on it. I trusted God to do what is right. He is just. I prayed for his will to be done. Although I was student teaching, I did not feel overly stressed. There were no complications; no high blood pressure, diabeties, or bleeding at all.
Five days before we would see our precious baby on an ultrasound, on February 11, 2013 when I woke up at 6:00 and went to the bathroom, I started bleeding a lot. The night before I had some slight cramping while I was sleeping, but hardly noticed. Right away I was scared, but not wanting to believe what was happening I started getting ready, hoping the bleeding would stop. I could tell it was not going to after having to go sit on the toilet several times. I went over and told Andrew who was still asleep that I was bleeding a lot. He got up and asked if we should call anyone, and we decided to call our midwife. She told us to go to the ER and get an ultrasound to see what was going on. As we were hurrying to go, I started having some painful cramps. One was very strong, and then I felt a pop as my water broke. I was relieved I didn't have pain anymore, but could not think about the gravity of what my water breaking meant. When we got to the ER, we were taken to a room, and then I was wheeled upstairs to labor and delievery. I told the nurse all my information, and I started having cramps again. I was hooked up to an IV and a monitor. They gave me an ultrasound and called the doctor in. The doctor seemed sad as she looked at our baby. Then she looked at me and said, "It looks like you are going to lose your baby. The heartbeat is in the 50s. At this point there is zero chance of survival outside the womb." She went on to tell me my options and what she recommended. I can hardly remember anything but the pain of my heart breaking and crying many tears. I was alone for a while after they did a second ultrasound later and saw that our dear baby's heart was only beating every once in a while. I had to stay at the hospital to deliever because my water had broken and there was a risk of infection. Andrew had gone to get himself some lunch quickly. While I was alone, the cramps became strong and painful again. I felt like I knew how to deal with the pain, but I just didn't want to. I didn't want to have my baby. This wasn't supposed to happen. Andrew returned around noon and Jonah David Coltrane was born at 12:14pm, soon after the doctor walked back into the room. It was an amazing experience to give birth, but I was at such a loss of what to do, say or feel. The doctor asked if I wanted to hold him right away, and I didn't know. There is no way of knowing what to expect. I am so thankful that they decided to hand him to me anyway, as she said it looks like it's a little boy. We were able to hold our baby most of the afternoon, as much as we wanted. That night was very hard to sleep through and the next morning we were able to hold him once again. I love the pictures we were able to take and the memories we have of the little time our son was on this earth. Thankfully the hospital was very supportive, my body healed well, and our friends and family sacrificed their time and energy to support Andrew and I. God has showed us his love and mercy through those of you who prayed, cooked, cleaned, and just shared words of encouragement. Thank you so much.
Now today, two weeks later, I am still grieving enlessly, but I have so much hope and peace that God has given me. He gives us strength to go back to school and student teaching. As I was putting away maternity clothes today, I thought about how much we have grown, especially closer to each other as a married couple. I would give anything to have Jonah back, but God is faithful.
Thanks for reading this story. If you have any questions about anything, feel free to ask. Don't worry about making me cry or bringing back painful memories, because that will only help me.
Mikala
A few minutes after he was born.
Jonah with his daddy.
Reasons
It seems like a family death is a bad reason to start a blog again, but reading what others have written about their experiences with death has helped me immensly during these past couple of weeks. By starting a blog, I hope to help others by sharing my heart through written word (and since I am not very good at sharing verbally).
I may not post very much this spring, as I am busy finishing student teaching. Maybe this summer I will spend a lot of time remembering and celebrating the life of Jonah, our son. It doesn't seem possible that just 2 weeks and 2 days ago he was alive and growing inside me, seemingly fine.
My reason for the name of this blog is not only for Jonah, but also for anyone who calls heaven home. I dread saying anything good could come out of all of this, but my eyes and heart have been opened further to the reality of heaven, and how Earth is so blatantly not our real home.
My next post will be the story of my pregnancy from beginning to end. To lessen my load of grief, it is very important to share the joy and sadness with others.
I may not post very much this spring, as I am busy finishing student teaching. Maybe this summer I will spend a lot of time remembering and celebrating the life of Jonah, our son. It doesn't seem possible that just 2 weeks and 2 days ago he was alive and growing inside me, seemingly fine.
My reason for the name of this blog is not only for Jonah, but also for anyone who calls heaven home. I dread saying anything good could come out of all of this, but my eyes and heart have been opened further to the reality of heaven, and how Earth is so blatantly not our real home.
My next post will be the story of my pregnancy from beginning to end. To lessen my load of grief, it is very important to share the joy and sadness with others.
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