Letting Go

It has now been about seven months since the most difficult day of my life. God has taught me a lot through this time. Once again he has always been there and shows himself faithful.

I have been going through a nine week Bible study specifically made for women who have had miscarriages or any type of death of their baby. This had been a wonderful practical way to work through my grief. The last stages are about letting go and finding hope. Jonah will always be my first son but I won't constantly dwell on what could have been, or what happened, or what went wrong. My hope comes from God and through his blessing of another little son growing inside me!

I was quite nervous for the first 20 weeks of the pregnancy. Well, more specifically I almost ignored the fact that I was pregnant until I started to show around the end of June. Then I became pretty anxious that I would go to the bathroom one moment and discover mucus or blood again. When I started to feel him move, I relaxed a little. Till one day when I thought he wasn't moving much and I was on edge and jumpy all day. But the next day and since then I've been feeling his little blips a whole lot, and it gives me great joy.

At my 20 week appointment I measured at 25 cm which is a whole lot bigger than normal. For those that don't know you should measure at 1 cm per week after 20 weeks. So that was strange. At my 24 wk I was at 26 cm so that was better. Tomorrow I will be 27 weeks along! I just praise God that we've made it this far! If he's born now its possible he could survive. Some people say I should hope for a 38 or 39 wk delivery because he might be a big baby, but I personally hope he goes the whole 40 weeks.

Staying home, I've had a lot of time to read (this will change in December!). I read all of the library's pregnancy books so now I'm on to parenting books. Some ways of doing things I have never heard of before, and I would like other Christians opinions on how closely they adhere to Gods standards for parenting. There are several so this will be the topics of my blog posts for a while. First is actually a decision I have already made up my mind about, but would like others experiences and opinions.

I am having a home birth. Seems like God designed birth to happen safely even if he did curse it to be painful for the woman. Hospitals are for medical emergencies. If I came upon an emergency during labor or birth, we live right next to a hospital and would go to the er, like we did for Jonah. So please give me feedback on your experiences, wisdom, and opinions of home birth. Thanks!

Thoughts

Sorry I haven't posted for a while, it's hard to think of what to say. This blog is through my ESU student account, so I can't have the premium blogger account and to have access to some of the benefits of it I created a different blogger account. Now I just can't figure out how to transfer this blog over to that account. It won't let me change my email address on this account. Also, I've been very busy before and during my full time teach in student teaching first graders. :) It's amazing how God allows children to lift us up so much when we are hurting, even though they have no idea they are doing so.

Five and a half more weeks until I graduate from college. Wow.

This was the post I started five weeks ago, at the beginning of April. Now it's the day after Mother's Day. I hardly even thought about Mother's Day (besides being thankful for my mother!) until Pastor Al talked about how some people have a lot of pain associated with Mother's Day, and then of course I couldn't stop crying. I also think about my mother-in-law and dearly wish I could have met her and talked with her.

I felt so blessed at church when so many came over to pray with me at the end of the service. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm really a mother. Even that afternoon when I was taking a walk I kept thinking, "Wow, did that really happen? Was I really pregnant? Did my baby really die?" I just finished reading a chapter in What Was Lost: A Christian Journey Through Miscarriage about where the little ones are and how they are connected to God. The author talked about how a pregnant woman is similar to the Trinity. She is the mother, child, and love. But if the child dies, it is similar to what happened to the Trinity when Jesus died on the cross. They were separated, and death entered in. I never thought I would ever think this deeply about my baby's death, but maybe it is good for me.

Saturday marked three months since Jonah was born and died.  I would have had one and a half months to go until he was born a healthy boy.

Jonah, I thank God that I could be your mother here on earth for five months. Love you and miss you.

Answers...?

My six week follow-up appointment was yesterday. The doctor who delieverd Jonah was on vacation, so we saw another ob in the same office. Her guess is that it was an incompetent cervix that caused premature labor, but she's not sure. Other possibilities are an infection or something that was wrong with Jonah that we couldn't see. The appointment was shorter than we thought it would be. All we talked about was that, and she asked if we wanted to discuss birth control. We said we would wait to decide on any long term birth control. Then we left. I wasn't expecting any more answers about what happened, and I'm not really disappointed we don't know for sure. I thought I might be, but I'm finding I am trusting God a lot more with my life now. I know it will be the same way when we decide to try to have more children in the future. The next time I'm pregnant we will use an ultrasound to see if the cervix is thinning out early, which is a sign of an incompetent cervix. It gives me some comfort to know there is a plan to prevent another baby from dying, but it's not a sure thing so we will give it all to God.

Quilt of God's promises from church family and picture of geodes from the Gem and Mineral Show this past weekend.

New Day

Each day is a new day. Sometimes, this is a good thing. Some evenings are hard to get through because I think this busyness and pain will never end. Then in the morning, God's mercies really are new! It's astonishing. Then some mornings, I wake up only thinking of Jonah and feeling the emptiness and aching heart. Last night we arrived in Kansas City to stay at a hotel with my parents and go to the Gem and Mineral Show today. We enjoyed the pool and hot tub, yet I was mad I could enjoy the hot tub because I am no longer pregnant. It was a mix of amazing and upsetting. There are many moments like that in my life right now. I absolutely love seeing moms with babies everywhere, yet my heart feels pain. God is getting me through, moment by moment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axPlLqLmSUw

Pressing On

Four weeks tomorrow into this nightmare. I just cannot wait until I wake up and find myself in heaven with God and meet my child. Will he still be a baby, or will he be a child? Or will he be an adult? Since we won't have earthly bodies, I know he won't have an age but I wonder what he will look like.
It feels like it has been forever, but at the same time still feels like I should be pregnant. The hardest place to be is our bedroom because that is where I often spent time thinking about being pregnant and looking in the mirror and laying as still as possible trying to feel a kick.
God is reminding me that there are trials in this life and no matter how hard I wish I can't turn back the clock. Time to keep pressing on. Student teaching is going well as I can focus on plans and the students better now. Thank you for all of your prayers. My new hope is helping and loving others. I'm working on figuring out how I am going to do that with my life. I think maybe God has given me the gift of creating through drawing and painting. Not sure, haven't done much painting. Please pray for me as I try to create several drawings and then a painting of our precious little guy. Maybe that would be one way I could bless others who have lost babies. Or any loved one for that matter.
Thursday night I met with a group of other ladies who have lost babies. It was a good time to listen and share. I am so glad God brought these ladies into my life.

The Day Part of Me Died

I know I shared what I could remember about February 11 last week, but I realized that a few hours after I delievered Jonah and was sitting in the hospital room I actually wrote some in a journal. Sorry if it repeats a little, but this is what I wrote. I remember not being able to sleep well that night.

Names we had chosen for you: Ezra, Jonah, David
Date of your birth and death: 2-11-13
Place: Newman Regional Hospital, Emporia, KS
You were inside me for 20 weeks, 1 day.
You will always be remembered.
Love,
Your Mommy and Daddy. <3

Yesterday we were perfectly happy, thinking about names and this summer of taking care of a baby. This Friday we were supposed to have our ultrasound and find out your gender as you kept growing inside me. We can't believe today you appeared to us too early only to go straight to heaven. In a way I'm glad you didn't experience the hardships of this life but wished we could have had the chance to share with you God's grace and love and forgiveness.
This morning I woke up to some cramps and when I went to the bathroom I was bleeding a lot of bright red blood. It just kept coming so I knew something was wrong. I told Andrew when I realized I wouldn't be able to go to school that day and may need to go to the hospital. We called Amber and she said we should go and get an ultrasound. We got to the ER and got moved around till we were in labor and delievery. My nurse and doctor were very kind and helpful. After a doppler and ultrasound, Dr. told us we were losing the baby. Heartbeat was in the 50s. After a few hours of sitting on a bed, contractions were starting to hurt. Another ultrasound showed a heartbeat only every once in a while. I delievered you naturally and you were so sweet and tiny. So warm at first. We kept thinking and praying you would open your eyes or move, even though we knew you were gone and too young to survive. You were born at 12:14 and we had the opportunity to hold you almost all afternoon. Pictures were taken as many friends and family visited and prayed with us. I'm still so in shock and am starting to feel grief. All I know is God must have a better plan for you and us.

It seems like every Sunday morning at church I am brought to tears, partly because Sunday the 10th was the last day I was pregnant, partly because so many friends and family who go to that church helped us immensly, and partly because the songs remind me that God is faithful, God is peace, God is love.
Here are some poems that came to me during church last Sunday and today (I hate to share these because I am horrible at poetry...haha):

Why did you leave?
The sorrow is too great
My body is shaking
Aching for you
God hold me close
Hold us both in your arms
But my arms are empty
My womb small and hollow
Take care of my baby
No more sadness and no tears

Giver of life
Take away this death
My heart is broken
Pick up the pieces

I give you my pain
I give you my sadness
I give you my sore eyes
I give you my emptiness
I give you my hurt
I give you my loneliness
I give you my anguish
I give you my craziness
I give you my anger
I give you my brokenness
I give you my sorrow
I give you my heaviness
I give you my life

Jonah, my son
Peace of my life
Fly up to heaven
Be with Jesus

Take me back to Sunday
When you were growing strong
Planning out our future
Our family of three
Sharing my voice of worship
Hands around your home
Daddy by our side

How I long for heaven
My body back to dust
Kneeling in Your presence
Never ceasing praise

A sacred life created
Never to be born
We were happy as we waited
Now alone and forlorn
Did he feel fear as he died?
Heartbeat slowing down
In God's arms may he hide
At last truly found

I would like to thank family and friends for sharing so many wonderful Bible verses with us. And I thank God for speaking so lovingly and kindly to us through our loss. His promises are true. The most comforting verse to me has been Revelation 7: 15-17

“Therefore they are before the throne of God,
and serve him day and night in his temple;
and he who sits on the throne will shelter them with his presence.
They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore;
the sun shall not strike them,
nor any scorching heat.
For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd,
and he will guide them to springs of living water,
and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.”

 

Good Memories

Today I found some photos on our camera that I had taken the day before I miscarried Jonah.

20 weeks pregnant